“Get out of your head and get into your heart. Think less, feel more.”
— Osho
There is magic awaiting you in every moment… it can only be experienced through presence… it is where pleasure lives… and it’s power can be harnessed… to slow down and expand time… to relish in what it means to be alive.
Eros✨
Cultivating a pleasure practice came after I experienced a nervous breakdown in the spring of 2021. My body felt heavy, I would wake up in a fog of dread and my nervous system had begun to shut down. I had repeatedly experienced burnout symptoms and eventually I collapsed - I was debilitated by life.
Acknowledging I wasn’t fit for work was one thing but it was receiving the sicknote from the doctors that hit me the most. I was unwell enough to get signed off. Re(dis)covery was messy and looked like trying to relearn the basics; how to eat, walk and rest. I made time to be present and learnt how to sit with myself compassionately, despite the discomfort. This helped bloom a nourishing relationship with myself; I was beginning to show up for myself. I started to find magic in everyday life and sparks of joy began to return, lighting up parts of me where previously I had felt lost darkness.
I would seek beauty and comfort in my environment and take my time to walk in nature, breathing a little deeper, moving my body delicately and sensing my heart beat in my chest. I was alive, in the here and now, having a human experience which began to feel magnificent.
It is from this place that we might hear a gentle whisper, a pull from within attempting to guide or nudge us towards our desires. Our bodymind knows what feels good and right for us yet external factors, systems and structures often prevent us from accessing our innate knowledge. I was beginning to grow my awareness which allowed me to notice the smallest of sensations in my soma (body), which provided me with clues that allowed me to pivot towards more of what felt good.
P L E A S U R E
Hunting for ‘green flags’ is a tool I use when teaching Relationship & Sex Education. The nervous system floods with fear if we remain constantly on the look out for ‘red flags’ which can actually be detrimental to our biology and overall health. I have a positive approach in my teaching to help people recognise things that make them feel good, not necessarily sexual, to help them notice where and how we feel pleasure and joy in the body. This does all sorts of yummy stuff to our nervous system.
Understanding that there are systems and structures that actively try to prevent us from seeking pleasure is what motivated me to re(dis)cover, reclaim my soma (body) and now I am passionate about helping other people to cultivate more time for pleasure in your everyday life.
“There is no way to repress pleasure and expect liberation, satisfaction, or joy.” Adrienne Maree Brown, Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good
So how is your pleasure practice?
Solo Dating
To date yourself may sound like an unusual concept at first that can lead to real transformation.
What would you do if you had a guest coming to visit, a friend or a date? How would you spend your time differently? Would you prepare something special to eat or wear? Would you take time to clean your place, put the laundry away, lay the table and light a candle? Solo-dating is about treating yourself like your own best friend because YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Taking time to set the intention, to plan for the interaction yet few of us put the extra energy in for ourselves. Low self esteem and sense of self worth leads us to crave validation. This puts people at risk of predators and perpetrators. Our world changes when we choose to put ourselves first.
This practice helps to explore boundaries and desires. When we can get clear on what we do and don’t like (A.K.A. green flag hunting) it then becomes much easier to seek out more of the pleasurable stuff. It can become easier to communicate specific needs with loved ones, friends, partners and even colleagues. Why would you not want to prioritise your needs which? This practice can help keep those red flags at bay and allows us to pivot towards what feels good.
Try showing yourself some of the special consideration save for others. See how it is to enjoy the pleasure of your own company. Catch yourself in the mirror, smile, wave or flirt with yourself, get dressed up, wear the nice underwear because you are worth feeling like your best self everyday!
As with any practice, starting might bring up uncomfortable feelings. There might be a sense of embarrassment, judgement, shame, fear, guilt - all is welcome. That’s where the gold. It is not easy to sit with ourselves bathing in our own filth and remain loving, kind and compassionate. Go easy if this happens, pause, tap out and seek comfort. Ask your soma (body) what it needs right now? This is what builds capacity. Tending to ourselves in this way, tending to our own needs in the way we would care for somebody else, helps our body to metabolise past hurt and pain. There is no pressure or force here, take your time, be gentle and kind with your divine wonderful Self.
Pleasure Seeking
… as a form of Activism
Perhaps a solo-date feels awkward. I get it, it’s vulnerable opening up and it takes time to get comfortable exploring the depths of ones self. A few years ago I found it super uncomfortable too. Then I began to consider how it would feel not caring what other people thought. I focused on showing myself unconditional love instead of listening to critic that lived inside my head. I started to visualise all of the times I wish I could have been there to take care of and protect myself - it was pretty hard.
I had to accept that people will always have their own opinions and I would never be able to please everybody. Plus they were probably in their own heads too. Was I really going to let what I thought other people thought of me, dictate how I lived my life? The probability of any of us existing is 1 in 10 million - we are miracles so why let these made up stories in our heads impact how we show up in our one and only life.
The social anxs for me has been real. The hustle and grind culture normalises keeping calm and carrying on. I would pick myself up, dust myself off and ‘health kick’ until inevitably I’d crash and burn and break again. In 2020 I trained as a Lomi Lomi masseuse and every day began with an hour of self massage. We’d roll on the floor stretching and soothing our aches to heed the whispers stored in the body.
How do we experience pleasure? It is found in movement, in play, exploration and in being creative. It can only be experienced in the present moment. Think of things you did as a child - what gifts were found in boredom? What do you want to do? How do you entertain yourself? What would inviting pleasure in look like? Doing more of these things, speaking lovingly and compassionately to ourselves - this is what helps us live more pleasure-filled lives.
There are oppressive systems and structures that prevent us from being able to access our fullest pleasure. Cultivating a pleasure practice can do all sorts of wonderful things to our biology. Prioritising pleasure is a form of activism - a tool that can change the world!
