3/8/24

Moving Abroad//

On My Own

I left my conventional life in search of making a life abroad. In many ways I succeeded, moving around a fair bit in my time. I had the privilege of calling many places home previously moving to Uganda, Iceland and Greece. Those chapters involved signing up to volunteer on projects where an organisation pretty much took care of the deets. Now I find myself once more back in Iceland, I’ve made the move on my own, only this time I don’t have a job or placement lined up. No, this time I am doing it leaning on the contacts I made previously, staying with a friend I used to work with and seeing what happens, no real plan. A friend offered me a job driving an ice cream truck for a few months and I can make use of a massage studio whilst here too, and yet, having been here just over a month now, I still don’t fully feel like I have landed.

This time I am doing it on my own, relocating to Iceland, having just spent the last few years recovering from a nervous breakdown and spending the first half of this year in conflict with an employer that ended with me being made redundant.

Wish me luck.

As the plane came in to land at Keflavik airport, I heard these lyrics play through my headphones ‘only you know best what your soul is seeking, one day you will arrive and you'll know there's a place you can call your home’.

I came with the knowledge that my visa was still valid from when I first moved here and was due to expire at the end of the year. I arrived to discover that my visa is actually valid until the end of next year. Was this an invitation from the universe for me to stay longer? Additionally, I have also returned to a ridiculous tax bill having never done my taxes, since I never knew it was something that needed doing, Is this a sign to leave?

Part of the conflict with my last employer was around money. My employer of over 11 years believed that I had been overpaid sick pay, for a second time. It was a challenging time in part because my employer handled the whole thing poorly, not responding to my communication and ignoring me when I sent them evidence that they had in fact stated I would be paid in full. And I was also coming to terms with something written in the occupational health report. Due to my symptoms lasting for over a year I was classified as disabled and my employer did nothing to address this. What do I do with this? I have since learnt about workplace DARVO. I did speak to a lawyer but found out that they don’t actually take care of the situation for you and I wanted to protect my peace. There’s some unresolved feelings around it still but I think it is bigger than that employer.

When I took time off in 2021 following a nervous breakdown, sounds dramatic I know (it was), I had an opportunity to learn about boundaries which reshaped every aspect of my life. This is why I knew something was off when I found myself saying ‘I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship with my employer’. I think for so long there has been a culture of pushing through when things aren’t good - I don’t do that anymore. Recovery hasn’t been a breeze but it has been transformational and a great teacher. Even when things have felt uncertain, I have been certain I would not to return to an employer that felt like an abuser. I could now recognise what feels toxic and move away from it – and this is everything.

Moving back to Iceland was the result of being made redundant, and not being able to afford rent where I was living. A few years ago I was desperate to find a place for myself yet a trip to an estate agent taught me that I would likely only be able to get a mortgage of £60K – which could afford me nothing more than a beach hut, in the fancy part. I looked at my options, reflecting on the types of places I’ve lived, some of which come under the homeless umbrella, living in a van and sofa surfing. I sat with myself, concerned how at the ripe age of 35, the age my ex partner was when we split and I chose to tap out of the conventional life nearly a decade ago, I was still without a home. It’s been a difficult pill to swallow but something I have grown more and more familiar with – patriarchy. No matter how hard I work or how much I reframe my luck, fundamentally I was GROOMED BY THE PATRIARCHY and have been in recovery, trying to not let this harm define me.

Part of my idea of coming back to Iceland was to bring my passion project here and do what I do best - teach inclusive and empowering relationship and sexual health education. To offer this in one of the most inclusive countries in the world would be easy right? The only thing is, I had to confront some gremlins that had been left here.

I have lived in Iceland on and off for 3 years, completing a solid year on placement with the Red Cross through Erasmus. What brought me to Iceland in the first place was an opportunity volunteering at a shelter for women who struggle with mental health issues and substance abuse. I was confronted with issues faced by women, the universe was sending a message. When I started my boss explained that ‘every women who uses the shelter has been hurt by a man’. I thought this was a bit of a sweeping statement but it didn’t take long before the guests shared their stories with me and I learnt that it was true. I had a housemate who introduced me to the concept of patriarchy which was something new to me and I was learning about politics and the impact of systems and structures at play living in a house of international volunteers. After completing my year placement and having met so many people from across Europe, I had the idea to return to the UK and take my camper van I had waiting for me, on a road trip to Greece to volunteer with refugees. As well as the gremlins, I am also reconnecting with the parts of me that once dared to dream up such wild ideas.

So why does it feel that I’m still stuck in limbo?

It’s a mindset thing. As I don’t have a job lined up I have been applying for work since arriving. I haven’t been successful with anything I have applied for but I have a friend with a massage studio that I can make use of, who also runs the ice cream truck business and has offered me some work. Initially I didn’t think I could possibly do such a job; I can work in tense environments, supporting the most vulnerable and marginalised communities but selling ice cream might be too much. It felt overwhelming. It is normal and appropriate to feel nervous and apprehensive when starting something new and of course you don’t know all of the things before starting. This is something I have had to remind myself and acknowledge where I am at now, despite what previous experience I have under my belt. I went in telling myself I couldn’t possibly do it and now I am doing a few shifts every week all on my own. Despite all of the work I have done on myself, all the things I have learnt in order to ‘bounce back’ after a nervous breakdown, I still have to remind myself not to listen to the voice of resistance that lives rent free in my head. It is easy to think after getting better, re(dis)covering myself, that I am healed and will never face any challenges or difficult times again. The conflict with my employer this year sent me back to a dark place and reminded me that it is possible to fall again. The difference now is I don’t fall so far and I have the tools to lean on to pick myself up.

Maintenance.

We all know what things are good for us and yet we continue to do things that shorten our life span. We eat junk food, drink, smoke, live in states of stress and put ourselves at risk. What the last few years taught me in recovery is that we are all just trying to survive. We lean on these things to ease the pain and discomfort but really we want the sustainable things that offer regulation instead things that are short term. There are systems and structures in place designed to actively prevent us from living our best lives. White supremacy. Patriarchy. Capitalism. Whilst the concept of self-care can sound like a chore and it is easy to want to turn to quick fixes, a reframe I have found helpful is seeing self-care as an opportunity to prioritise pleasure, an invitation to do more of what we love in order to fill up our cup – and it is everything. Life isn’t about working, paying bills, grinding, living in a constant state of stress and fear - it is to be enjoyed.

It took me until the age of 35 to start brushing my teeth twice a day.

Having spent my younger years being complemented by the dentist, as I got older I started to need fillings and yet I still didn’t have the capacity to be able to brush my teeth before bed. Something shifted in me earlier this year and it no longer feels like a chore, I have even flossed from time to time which my dentist has insisted I try for years. I was able to take pride in taking care of myself in this way. I know if I meditate, eat right, get into nature and stay connected I will not only feel better but also increase my odds of living a long, healthy and happy life. Yet when the mind gets in the way all I want to do is fester in bed dual screening, binging junk food and staying up late. There’s a time and place for this as a form of rest but I’m talking about when it becomes a lifestyle, a life spent living in a pit of misery. The difference is now I am no longer following self destructive patterns of the past brought on by a low sense of self worth. Now I can recognise that it has been a lot, I don’t judge myself or wallow in shame - instead I get curious and listen to what’s underneath. Recovery allowed me to sit with myself, bathing in my own filth inviting compassion in. It really has been a lot. Eventually the habits and coping strategies that don’t feel good, I can no longer ignore that they don’t actually hit the spot. I turn back to meditation seeking a pause and some guidance from my body of what it, I, really need. I lean in gently to hear what is alive inside me and reassure the parts of me that I know are trying to protect me, that are scared to step into the world again. I let them know I am grateful to have those parts looking out for me and that they can ease up now, I have heard their call. I invite more wholesome practices in that I know nourish my soul. I acknowledge the discomfort, insecurity and head fuckery and I continue to sit with it, not pushing past it, allowing it to pass in it’s own time as I continue to nudge myself towards doing my thing.

Here goes….

It has been just over a month since I moved back. I don’t know what’s in store but can any of us ever know what is to come? No. I don’t have a diagnosis despite what the occupational health report said and repeated visits to the doctors asking for all of the tests. I know I have struggled with anxiety, depression as a result of PTSD. I believe trauma can show up as neurodivergence and these days I’m not sure I know anyone who is neurotypical. I have studied somatics and EMDR after experiencing transformative results from these things, and I better understand how we can move through trauma by building capacity to be with the thing. In a strange way I am grateful that I went through this chapter of re(dis)covery, a different type of adventure to the sort of traveling ones I was used to. It allowed me to learn how to care for myself, although I can’t change the past or control my mind, I can regulate myself, lean on these practices from my ‘tool box’ that I know work for me, and continue to show myself LUV, unconditionally. I also know I have to chose not to listen to the voices that say ‘I can’t’, ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘let’s stay in bed forever’ and parent myself, show myself unconditional LUV and sometimes bribe myself with treats to get out the house – what ever works.

During my volunteer year in Iceland I told a friend the story of my crystal necklace that I always wear. A Shaman in Mexico instructed me to wash it with sea water on a full moon, and my friend was curious ‘what happens?’. I shrugged saying that ‘I never tried it’, it to which she suggests ‘we should try’. The next full moon we took her empty mayonnaise jar and wandered down to the sea. I scooped up some water and we admired the moon. After sometime we checked with each other if we had spent long enough there before turning around to head back home. Upon turning around we were met with the brightest northern lights we had seen all year. Green and pink lights filled the sky dancing. Our jaws dropped and we stood in awe, holding each other and agreed not to be cynics anymore ‘this shits real’. Whatever this magic was we were sold and from that day we were believers and continued to carve out time for moon rituals. We were able to see it as an opportunity to pause, reflect and set intentions for the upcoming month with the bonus immersing ourselves in nature. This is how I learned about manifestation and ‘casting spells’ with our words. Simple practices that would have had our ancestors burned (Patriarchy). Intention setting involves using words as if the thing you desire is so, now ie. I am, I have, I do.

This Sunday is a new moon and I am glad these challenging times have taken me on the introspective journey, calling me back to a higher part of me. I will be hosting an online gathering on Sunday to hold space for folk who wish to take some time for themselves.

I am open to the universe and all it has in store for me.

I have made the move to Iceland and am living my best life.

And I do run projects supporting and empowering others that I am passionate and proud of.

It’s good to be back, home.

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