Icelands only night shelter for WOMEN//Konukot
I have been working at a women’s shelter in Iceland for 7 months now. There is a shelter for women and children fleeing domestic violence but you must be sober to access their services. Konukot is for homeless women who may use substances and who suffer from challenges with their mental health. All the staff and guests are female, though all genders can make use of the needle exchange, male visitors were asked to wait outside. Konukot is a place where women can come to rest, eat and freshen up between 5pm - 10 am. The place is shut during the day. It is not temporary accommodation, simply a bed for a night with a focus on harm reduction, offering a consumption room in the basement - the first of it’s kind in the island. Over the past few months I have got to know a few of the regulars.
Tonight two women shared their stories with me.
When I started volunteering, I was told that the women who used the shelter had each been hurt by a man. This felt like a bold statement - how can that be? Over time I’ve built a rapport with them, learning of the different circumstances the women were facing and the incidences that lead to them all being mistreated by the men in their lives; partners, friends, fathers, step fathers, uncles, bosses, colleague, strangers.
Working with women is a different field to what I am used to; my background is working with young people often from areas of deprivation. I was used to support work but this was confronting me with all sorts of bits and bobs I had stored in me, pondering if I was in away at a disadvantage being brought up ‘female’.
Never could I have anticipated, not only the impact the women would have on me but also the journey of self discovery I inevitably would end up taking whilst living in the land of fire and ice. As Brenè Brown would say I would go on to have a ‘breakdown / spiritual awakening.‘ I was about staring into a mirror of how my life could have turned out and just why I turn out ‘ok’ despite also experiencing gender based violence.
My awakening was set on the back drop of an Icelandic winter darkness which made it easy to hibernate, cocooning to delve deep into myself. You know the places you try to ignore/forget/cover up? You use different crutches to distract yourself from the thing(s)? My awakening involved rummaging around this chest of lost emotions and forgotten moments and taking stock of a lot of misplaced or undigested feelings and emotions.
After emptying the contents and pouring out the last of my messy, pungunt and unresolved trauma, I realised that all these experiences and feelings are what have led me to be me. It wasn’t a case of destroying this shit, I needed to learn how to accept it as a part of me. It was time to accept it, repack my baggage and carry it in a much so it’s easier (healthier) way.
Tonight I feel the women who shared with me their baggage, did so because they are in fact brave.
I call these women who are so often looked down upon by society. I am inspired by them each and every day because they are women who have nothing, who have been disrespected, displaced, hurt, abused, abandoned and mistreated - by men, the system, society. Toxic support networks and unhealthy coping strategies, self distructive yet still here showing up every day, still holding on. Not yet giving up, clasping at hope of getting better, just one more release, a desire to survive. Just battling trauma.
That’s Survival.
What absolute hero’s.
As I hear their stories of the men in their lives, some they think highly of and others less so, I think about how I have allowed others to influence how I feel about myself.
The greatest lesson is self love yet we seek validation in others. I had been living with epic people but I seeked attention from people who had little interest in me. Trying to be ‘cool’, to fit in, to please others. Fighting a losing battle - it’s exhaustion, it’s a performance.
I help in a school, working with five year olds which I thought would help with my Icelandic. What I know in Icelandic and is niche reflective of the roles I took on in a shelter and a school, not so much conversational stuff. Funny thing about the five year olds I work with, most speak English thanks to this being the international school and children having access to Youtube. The fascinating thing about children is that they are constantly navigating interpersonal relationships, gaining life skills like resilience when having to share playing with a certain toy for example. When one child tells me that another doesn’t want to play with them my advice is ‘so just play with someone else’. Yea it seems so simple. This person annoys you or makes you feel bad then stop immediately, durh! But as adults we indulge ourselves in toxic, destructive and abusive relationships. Why?
The universe always seems to take you to where you need to be. I don’t think the 5 year olds know that when I ask them what makes them happy, I’m actually doing a bit of research for my own personal development. I also don’t think the homeless women of Reykjavik would believe that I aspire to have their level of confidence to keep showing up for myself everyday no matter my state. We are all so very worthy of getting a grilled cheese sandwich at 2 am, some fresh clothes, fresh sheets, a warm bed and a room to do in, what we need to do, to cope.
Through history Women have been seen, or they see themselves as the lesser of the two.
All folk who don’t identify as a cis - man should be praised, respected, lifted up especially those of colour.
Show love to self - don’t allow the actions of others to so heavily influence your sense of self worth.
Please seek out the people in your life who lift you up and make you shine. Nothing comes from trying to prove or justify yourself to others. So surround yourself with good, nourishment from this earth - the company that you keep.
This incessant need to have an online presence, to show the world what you are doing, don’t exploit yourself so much. Keep somethings private and for yourself.
Within all of us we have that little voice, that instinct, that tells us what’s good or not good for us. Make time to listen to your own wisdom.
And if you want to be brave then speak up, tell your tales, share your stories. It takes guts to put your hands up, take your game face off and say ‘I feel shit today’. But chances are, if you’ve got a crew around you that you can be yourself and vibe with no matter what should of the rainbow you feel, they will help keep your sparkle all the while.
Unlock the power of the universe that is within. Get to know yourself. Hold space for others to shine. Spread luv x
Takk fyrir mig.
